A Mathematician's Apology



Mathematics student at University College London




One of the things I’ve become blindingly aware of lately is the pressure placed on society for constant social adulation and accreditation of oneself. Having watched that documentary on channel 4 and seeing how pathetically delusional people can become in a persistent and relentless need to feed images of themselves and their life onto social networks and receive positive feedback from friends (and even strangers) to ensure that they are indeed attractive and are indeed living a life that is better than everyone elses and I just feel like it’s just easy and cheap way to cover up blindingly obvious insecurities in themselves. 

Obviously everyone is a victim of this to some extend, and it wasn’t until I looked back on my social footprint and realised that all the images of myself that I plaster on social networks are just pointless and pathetic, I don’t need that adulation from people, I don’t need to prove myself to anyone, because frankly it’s just muffling the resounding issue which is that any insecurity I have in myself I am covering over by by the attention I get from other people on social media.

I’ve decided I’d just so much rather become happy with myself, in my body, in my ideas and thought, and with my life and career and not have to plaster it all over 700+ peoples facebook book, 99% of which I couldn’t care less about their thoughts towards me. I mean I’ve never been happy with myself and my thoughts and I probably never will. And the events recently with having to move back to Middlesbrough and leave the best people I’ve ever met in the world behind in London; having tried a relationship and being so fucking hurt by it; having tried to make amends and everyone just thinking you’re a dick because you don’t quite conform to their childish ideas. I have no tolerance of people and I can’t be bothered pretending to care anymore. If you’re not as attractive as me, not as intelligent as me and you just bring fucking drama to my life then fuck off, you are attributing nothing to my existence.

I’m sick of using social media as a therapy, and I think it would do the world of good if everyone did the same.  I mean even writing this is hypocritical, but pretty much no one I know irl has me on tumblr, so this is therapeutic, ya know. 

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In such a weird place in my life right now, like I’m doing really well for myself and I know come September when I move back to UCL life will be peachy again, but just feel like I’m in a weird limbo. Not really leaving the house, not really seeing people, not feeling particularly happy ever. 

Just want to focus on my Masters and getting well on my way to being fit, I’m probably not going to feel comfortable enough about my body by this summer, but hopefully summer 2015 will be a realistic goal. I also feel if I iron out my body insecurities I’ll be well on my way to becoming an excellent human being. 







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